32 Birthdays

32 Birthdays I have shared with my grandfather. I am turning 33 tomorrow and this is the first birthday I am celebrating without him. Now we rarely seen each other on our actual birthday, but we always made a point to call each other. He wasn’t a big phone talker but I always enjoyed and looked forward to that phone call. Even if at the beginning of the conversation he would say “who is this?” like he had no clue who was on the other line. He always knew it was me.

Tomorrow will be the first time in 33 years I won’t get that call.

So on the eve of what would have been my grandfather’s birthday, I am broken.
Birthday anniversaries are sometimes more difficult for me than death anniversaries. Usually on someone’s birthday, you are reminded that a person that you love is alive and well. It stings when you are just reminded that you can’t celebrate with them.

We almost always got together for a birthday celebration with a combined cake….even if it was months later. And I loved every second of it, and I’m sure he did too. The fact that I am celebrating my grandfathers birthday (and mine) without him here just feels wrong. I am not going to pretend like this day doesn’t harbor a lot of sadness, because it does. But, with that sadness also comes a beautiful reminder of who he was.

Anyone who has lost someone knows that their first birthday without them is difficult. To those that have been yet untouched by grief I must sound like a crazy person, a person that can’t just learn to let things go, that can’t move on. But you can’t just forget someone’s birthday. Especially when it’s the same day as your own.

As with birthdays, it’s a time of reminiscing, laughing and pondering the future. It’s a time when we truly recognize that every day is nothing short of amazing, and in the end, we’re blessed to appreciate all life has to offer.

Happy Birthday to my grandfather tomorrow. I love you! Xoxo

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